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This episode is a transcript for the season 2 episode "Sleepless in San Francisco".
[The episode opens at Bessie's house. Happy is holding a newspaper and is preparing to go outside to use the bathroom.]
Hilary: Goodnight Happy.
[Happy acknowledges the comment as the lights are turned off. Happy steps outside through his doggy door. The scene transitions to Bessie's room where she and finger are having a discussion.]
Bessie: I'm not the one who needs a nasal strip Finger, you're the one who snores. C'mon back me up Mom.
[Hilary is unsure of what to do]
Hilary: Uh.. goodnight honey.
[She quickly leaves]
Bessie: Fine. Compromise?
[Finger nods and Bessie places nasal strips on her and Finger's nose. The scene cuts to Ben's room]
Ben: Eight hours til sunrise... Eight hours til sunrise... Eight hours til sunrise...
Hilary: Ok Ben. Lights out. Tonight, you're going to stay in your own bed right?
[Ben makes an uncertain groan]
Hilary: Because five nights in your own bed equals one ice cream cone.
Ben: With real ice cream? Not soy?
Hilary: Uh huh. Ready?
Ben: Five... Four... Three... Two...
[Hilary turns off the lights]
Ben: Keep it together Ben. Big man. Big Man.
[Ben hears a creak]
Ben: It's a boogeyman!
[He runs into Bessie's room]
Ben: Bessie, there's a boogeyman in my room on my bed near my pillow!
[The scene transitions to the dining room where Bessie is pouring Ben some milk to help him clam down.]
Bessie: Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Benjamin. A boogeyman?
Ben: What? Boogeymen are real, ask Mr. Pants!
Bessie: Oh, no one's saying they aren't real.
[She turns the light off and pulls out a projector.]
Bessie: Boogeymen are very real. Let's see, Bigfoot, Nessie, Vampire bats, Vampire rabbits. Ah here we go, Boogeymen. Made of boogers, earwax and fur balls, these beasts use their many hooks and claws to steal kid's boogers!
[Ben Gasps]
Bessie: Listen! you must hear it's very important! However, Boogies never travel this far south. Very cold climate monster. They mostly haunt Wisconsin, since it has the highest number of runny noses per capita.
Ben: But you know we're having unseasonably cool temperatures. Possibly they've migrated.
Bessie: Hmm, unlikely. But tell you what: I'll sweep the house for any signs of boogie activity.
Ben: You can do that?
Bessie: Of course! Thanks to my totally awesome mammalian based monster detection and defense kit!
Ben: Wow! Where did you get all this?
Bessie: Oh, just a little something I threw together the first time I tried to earn the Monster Squad Badge. But despite my best efforts, I could never nail down an exact location for el Chupacabra.
[Bessie seethes]
Bessie: Now c'mon. Let's boogie! Ah, "Let's boogie", you hear that? That was a joke I made.
[Bessie and Ben leave the dining room to go search for boogeymen. The first place they check out is Ben's closet.]
Bessie: Gotta say, not finding any boogie fibers in here.. Gah!
Ben: What?
[It turns out what Bessie found is an Elvis suit]
Bessie: Uh, Ben?
[Ben grabs the suit]
Ben: Sometimes I like to feel handsome, so what?
Bessie: Sure, yeah. No judgements
[Bessie and Ben are now searching in the living room. Bessie is using a net to collect fur from under the coach.]
Bessie: Now if you said you saw a sea serpent, then I'd be alarmed. This city is lousy with sea serpents. But boogies are rare at our latitude.
[There is lots of fur in the net]
Bessie: See? Just Happy's fur. Wait a sec..
[There is a black fur ball on top of the fur pile]
Bessie: Hmm, black fur? That's strange.
[Ben starts getting scared]
Bessie: But it could be anything. Like, maybe Happy had a friend over. Or, he's experimenting with fur dye. Or hey, maybe he was brushing some rats. Yeah, yeah rats, that's it. Right? Yeah.
[Ben isn't convinced. Bessie and Ben are now conducting their search in the bathroom.]
Bessie: I'm sure that black fur was just circumstantial. Right Ben? Ben?
[Ben yells. Suddenly, the pair hear a strange sound coming from the sink drain and they both get spooked.]
Bessie: Uhh, well you know how the plumbing is in these old buildings... Ok I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, that was freaky. But, but but, still inconclusive.
[Bessie and Ben head downstairs and Ben is holding onto Bessie's leg. She shakes him off her leg.]
Bessie: Ben! Calm gulp down! Experts agree boogies never use the front door. Not that we even have boogies near our house.
[Ben hears a strange sound outside and suddenly, a taloned hand appears at the window and slides down. Ben is more scared than ever. Bessie opens the front door.]
Bessie: Whew! For a second there, I was expecting to find a...
[She sees a hook on the doorknob and freaks out.]
Bessie AAAHHH!!! Boogeyman!!!
[She grabs Ben and runs back upstairs to here room and they quickly shut the door.]
Ben: Ahh!
Bessie: Don't scream!
Ben: Why? Do they feed on screams?
Bessie: No, I just want you to hold onto a shred of self respect! We just need to follow the Honeybee Handbook's simple steps to monster survival, which will also earn me my Monster Squad Badge. Finally! See, silver lining? Ok, let's see, Step 1: find evidence of monster. Check.
Ben: What's step 2?
Bessie: Secure the perimeter!
[She puts soda cans on the window]
Bessie: Window alarms, check.
[Ben places bubblewrap on the floor.]
Bessie: Step 3: Set traps. Humane traps.
[She rigs a laundry basket above the door.]
Bessie: Even boogeymen have mothers. Step 4: Arm yourselves.
[Bessie and Ben practice with a small vacuum and a spray]
Bessie: Step 5: Exploit your enemy's weakness. For boogies, it's tissues.
[Ben and Bessie have wrapped themselves up in tissue paper.]
Ben: Really? Tissue?
Bessie: Oh, yeah. Boogies hate tissues, especially the ones with lotion! And the final step: we wait.
[The two have turned the coach on it's side and are using it as a fort.]
Ben: So, has anyone ever earned this monster squad badge?
Bessie: No-one who lived to tell about it. Your turn.
[To pass the time, they've been playing tic tac toe, with Ben getting three x's in a row. Suddenly the doorbell rings and they lose their cool.]
Bessie: Wow, uh, the doorbell. That's forward. Clearly we're dealing with some highly aggressive boogeymen. Which means it's time for psychological warfare.
[They crawl to the front door and Bessie does her best impression of a boogeyman.]
Bessie: Uh, Ahem. Uh, hey my fellow boogs. Uh, I'm a boogeyman and I already called dibs on all the boogers here. So, beat it! Uh, try someplace else. I don't know like, like Canada.
[The door starts to open, and Bessie and Ben get scared and in the confusion, they fall into their own traps.]
Bessie: Gah! Boogeymen ambush!
Ben: They got me! Oh, goodbye world!
[They bump into each other and the doorknob starts rattling. Both of them scream.]
Bessie: Retreat! Retreat! Fall back positions!
[They run back upstairs to Ben's room and start barricading the door.]
Ben: I never knew I was this strong!
Bessie: You're not! You're not! It's the adrenaline!
[They hear a piano and approaching footsteps.]
Ben: Ah, the boogies are inside the house and they brought a soundtrack!
Bessie: Ben! Ben, you should know something. I have a confession to make! I'm the one who ate your brownie bottom pie, not Happy!
Ben: Oh, Bessie! I knew that all along! And you should know, Happy didn't chew up your shoes it was me!
[Ben sobs. Suddenly they hear Hillary scream]
Ben: Oh no! They got Mom!
[Ben breaks a floorboard and hides in the opening. The footsteps and piano reach the outside of Ben's room]
Bessie: Alright, I'm the acting head of this family now and I'm not going to sit here like a victim!
Ben: Oh, well then can I sit here like a victim?
Bessie: No! Ben, tissues, stat!
[Ben hands Bessie the tissues and she pushes the barricade aside and opens the door.]
Bessie: Take that! And that! And that! Oh boy these are hard to throw. And this! And that! This box is family sized so I can tissue you all night!
[Ben rallies his courage and sprays the boogies with water.]
Ben: Ah ha! Eat water boogeymen!
[With their weapons depleted, the figures turn the lights and reveal that the "boogeymen" were actually Hillary and Happy.]
Hillary: What's going on?
Bessie: Oh, you're not boogeymen!
Ben: Mom! You escaped the boogies!
Hillary: Huh? What? Wait, why are you wearing tissues?
Bessie: Look I'll explain later, I can't talk right now because boogeymen are invading the house! We heard scratching..
[Bessie imitates the sound on her teeth.]
Bessie: And howling!
[An annoyed Happy imitates the howl and scratches on the window.]
Bessie: Yes, exactly like that. You do an amazing boogeyman impression.
[Happy is annoyed]
Bessie: Uh, fine Happy. But I'm battling a home invasion here so make it quick.
[Happy explains what happened after he went outside earlier.]
Bessie: Uh huh, you forgot the key to your doggy door..
[Happy makes a sound of agreement and howls.]
Bessie: Uh, so you howled and scratched at the window to be let back inside..
[Happy makes another sound of agreement.]
Bessie: Uh huh, then ran into our neighbors and asked them to help you make an even bigger racket, which finally woke up Mom who let you guys inside! Hmm, yes, that might explain away 20 even 30% of our boogie evidence. But what about the stomping? And the creepy piano sounds? And this?
[Bessie presents the hook she found and Hillary and Ben gasp. An irritated Happy motions the neighbors into the room. They are a bearded lady and an old man.]
Bessie: Oh you don't have to introduce Haps, I've met the retired circus performers who recently moved in next door. Lucille the bearded lady who plays piano and her partner Darren the man with hooks for hands.
[Bessie puts two and two together.]
Bessie: Oh boy, this is awkward. Oops.
[Darren laughs, showing there was no hard feelings.]
Bessie: Oh, my bad.
[She places the hook on Darren's hand stump.]
Bessie: Ok ok. Sorry we mistook you guys for boogeymen. It was an honest mistake.
[Bessie gives Happy a head scratch and he decides to forgive her.]
Ben: Wait, there aren't any boogeymen?
Bessie: Nope. Technically, I guess no boogeymen means no Monster Squad Badge. Well bad news for the el Chupacabra, I'm back on his case. See Ben, I told you. Boogeymen never visit San Francisco.
[Everyone laughs, when Bessie sneezes and a booger flies out of her nose and lands near Ben's bed. The clawed hand of a real boogeyman reaches out from under the bed.]
Boogeyman: Booger!
[Everyone screams.]